In Contemplation of Nothing
by jb546
Summary: Arizona does some thinking in the aftermath of the fight with Mark


A/N: I know she works with children, but in my world, Arizona, like me, is prone to using the 'f' word.

In Comtemplation of Nothing

"You aren't anything. You're nothing!"

The words had felt like a punch to the gut. The truth of them caused pain to blossom in her chest and spread like wildfire through her limbs. The pain burned away the little fight she had and left her cold and floundering, lost in the sea of pain, anguish, rage and regret that always seemed to accompany Mark Sloan. She was tired, bone weary from the months of tiptoeing around Callie and trying so very hard not to break down every time she chose Mark and not her.

"Robbins….Robbins! ARIZONA!" Miranda Bailey's raised voice pulled Arizona to the present. Sensing she had both Sloan and Robbins' attention, the petite surgeon eyed the warring parties warily. "The decision doesn't have to be made right this second, but we need to know something soon. Take a break. Calm yourselves down. Think long and hard about Callie's best interests…and her wishes." Bailey turned to walk away, but spun back and pinned both surgeons under the weight of her stare. Mark shuffled his feet uncomfortably, but Arizona just stared back, her eyes and face blank. "And while you're thinking, maybe you should think about how all this…squabbling, is NOT HELPING Callie get any better."

Arizona stood rooted to the spot as Mark stomped off hot on Bailey's heels. The blonde let out a deep breath, followed by several long seconds of contemplation before she found herself sprinting for the Attending's locker room. Once there she practically dove into the back of her locker for the emergency pack of Camel Lights she had sworn to Calliope just yesterday she didn't have. Another sprint through SGMW found her on the roof, lighting a cigarette before the stairwell door had closed.

She paced over to the edge of the roof and leaned her elbows on the ledge, staring out into the Seattle nightscape. She let herself consider Mark's words. It wasn't that she didn't already know that she would never have any sort of legal claim to the baby. She had been acutely aware of her status in the baby's life from the moment she agreed to be part of Callie's plan. She had trusted Callie when she promised they would be mothers together. She believed Callie even when her every instinct screamed for her to run as far and as fast as she could. But she knew now she could not, would not fathom a life without her Calliope.

Dark clouds began to roll into the city as Arizona lit two, then three cigarettes. The air was becoming thick, cloying. The inky darkness felt ominous as it crept closer to the hospital. It set her nerves even more on edge. She could feel the blackness coloring her thoughts. She wanted to scream and cry. She wanted to throttle Mark fucking Sloan. Doesn't he know how hard it is to advocate for the child that ties them inexorably together? How in the darker parts of her soul she knows it would be easier to sacrifice the baby for Callie? How much sometimes she would like to erase the proof that the love of her life had fucked someone while she was alone and miserable in Africa? She was very much tempted to reverse her stance and let Mark have his way, but she knew very well Callie might never forgive her for not trying to save their child.

But goddamn it sure would solve some problems…and bring a host of new ones. Like, was Mark right? If Callie lost this baby would she want to try again with Mark? Arizona wanted to believe her Calliope would turn the egotistical bastard down flat, but with how close Callie and Mark had become with the pregnancy she was ashamed to admit she wasn't certain what her love's reaction might be. And that sucked beyond the telling.

"Fuck," she whispered into the rising wind. "Just, fucking fuck." She squeezed her eyes closed, hating herself for even momentarily contemplating giving in to Mark. She's the one who nearly killed Calliope, the least she can do is fight for what she knows Callie would want.

Arizona would like to think that had they not crashed-had she not nearly killed them-that Calliope would have accepted her proposal. But she's not all that sure. Callie had scoffed at first, and her second go at it had been answered by the sounds of crunching metal and shattering glass. Fuck. Why had she not listened to her heart as it was screaming at her to turn down the Carter Madison? Her body sagged under the weight of the guilt to which that particular path led.

Arizona startled as the stairwell door swung open, the bright light momentarily blinding her. She could only make out a vague human shape shadowed against the light. Disinterested, she turned her attention back to her cigarette and the night sky. A shuffling sound indicated that her companion was approaching.

"Didn't much peg you for a smoker." The glow from Arizona's cigarette briefly illuminated Karev's face as she inhaled. She held her breath a beat, two and then exhaled.

"Yeah, well, life's full of those little surprises, right?" Alex watched her for a moment until she broke her gaze and shifted uncomfortably. "Like a truck at a dead stop on a mountain road right after you propose to your girlfriend." Karev tried to keep the surprise of that comment from showing on his face.

"You and Torres tying the knot when she's better?" Arizona shrugged, taking the last drag from her cigarette before flicking it out into the night. She watched the orange trail away into nothingness before glancing sidelong at Alex.

"She didn't have a chance to answer. I was looking at her, waiting, god, it seemed like forever. I wasn't watching the road, by the time I looked at the road it was too late. Now she may not make it…our child may not make it. I may never get an answer."

"Torres loves you, Dr. Robbins…Arizona, she would have said yes. She will say yes to you. She will wake up and say yes." Arizona studied Karev's face for a long moment. She lit another cigarette and resumed her slouching study of the approaching storm. "I heard about the fight with Sloan." Arizona erupted in a short bark of laughter.

"Jesus people talk in this fucking place." Karev nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, but Bailey told me. She's worried about you. I had to promise I would find you and make sure you were okay. What Sloan said was harsh. I can go kick his pretty boy ass if you want. I kinda really want to kick his ass." Arizona's lips curved into a slight smile as she let herself entertain the thought. Oh how she wished she could kick Sloan's ass. Her father had taught her quite a few things over the years about fighting and strategy. She absolutely knew she could destroy Mark Sloan, but Callie would never tolerate her coming to blows with him.

"Yeah, I really kinda want to kick his ass, too. But we can't. I can't. I can't let you ruin your career for me. Besides the point, he was telling the truth. I'm nothing. I'm not Calliope's wife. I'll never be able to adopt our baby because she will already have two legal guardians. I could hire a fleet of lawyers and I would never be able to have the guaranteed rights Mark could have for the price of a marriage license. And he knows it. He's staking his claim on his family and rubbing my second class status in my face. He's always standing in the way of mine and Callie's relationship…and she doesn't see it. She doesn't see me. Most days I might as well be a ghost."

Karev stretched out his arm, gently rubbing Arizona's shoulder.

"It'll work out, Dr. Robbins. Callie will wake up, you'll take your daughter home and then you'll marry the woman you love…even if I have to personally drag your ass kicking and screaming down the aisle." Arizona chuckled a little and squeezed Karev's shoulder affectionately.

"And you could probably follow through on that threat easier if you were my best man."

"Yeah, that would be…uh, did you just…ask me to be your best man?" Arizona nodded once, reaching out to squeeze Karev's hand.

"Think you can keep me in line, Alex? Keep me from doing something idiotic like, hmm, gallivanting off to Africa after leaving my girlfriend crying at the terminal?"

"I think I can manage, but why?"

"Why do I want you to keep me from doing something stupid?"

"Why me? Don't you kinda need a girl for things? Like Teddy?" Arizona chuckled darkly.

"Oh no, I'm sure my mother will have every excruciating detail of the 'girly things' covered. I want you to do it, Karev. Tonight, you were the only one who really saw me up in that gallery. You're a good man, Alex Karev. Now, be my best man." Karev nodded and Arizona offered him a smile that exposed her dimples. Alex chuckled a little and nudged Arizona with his shoulder.

"You know that last part was completely corny, right?" Arizona shrugged.

"They can't all be winners." Sighing, Arizona glanced behind her at the door to the stairwell. "I should go back to Callie. I need to be near her…and maybe, maybe some part of her needs me to be near." Karev wrapped a warm arm around her shoulders and escorted her to the stairwell.

"C'mon, your future wife is waiting."


End file.
